You Up? 👀 | Ep. 11 Healthy Love•Toxic Patterns•Difficult Conversations

Up everybody and welcome to you up What's up everybody? Wow Just threw me off. I thought I muted it. How that even happened Bra one of those days is where Anyway, what's up everybody welcome to you up episode 11 healthy love Toxic patterns difficult conversations today. It's gonna be an interesting night with your hosts Beat drop-bree in your co-host Aqua metta x and Devon and Devon and me yeah, I'm here We love to see it welcome everybody Me like that He was I'm just a guy so there's like it in me Yeah But super excited about tonight's topic. Thank you everybody is here I would ask everybody to like comment drop a couple comments in the purple pill and repose a space But I know you guys already have done that Because you guys are real ones, but we'll just get right into it I Feel like this is gonna be a really great Conversation in this time we're gonna switch it back to letting everybody else Discuss the topic first before I chime in because I don't want to answer completely because I am overprepared so Our first question of the night is how do we reckon how do we recognize a difference between normal relationship challenges and unhealthy or toxic patterns? Not not everybody I want I can't answer first because I I was like I was sending this out to people How do you tell a difference between what is it? How do we recognize the difference between normal relationship challenges and unhealthy or toxic patterns That's a good question Tim I don't know I would say a lot of people can't or don't know how And I would say a lot of it comes down to how it makes you feel and just being aware of How you feel in the relationship and if you're not if something feels foreign to you or or not Aligned with with your values and it is probably more likely than not toxic and not just I don't know I have to say if you if you actually question somebody about something And they get highly offended Then it was that's probably a telltale sign They were trying to do some sketchy shit No, I agree with that so I think some normal challenges are like occasional Their situational they're tied to certain things But toxic would be more like reoccurring regardless of the circumstances or You know fighting dirty for example like always bringing up something that bothers you at the worst of opportune times Things of that nature like them spite and words Yeah, I think that toxicity to me is taking advantage of your partner's vulnerabilities and using them against them Like you should be your partner's safe place And you should be mature enough that even if you are upset with them Like that you respect them enough that your first Instinct isn't to attack them or to hurt them in the most vulnerable way I think that is the cruelest thing that you could possibly do to your partner I've been on the receiving end of that and it just is really gutting It's just unacceptable behavior But every relationship is going to go it's going to have challenges You're bringing in accountability Absolutely You're bringing two people together with different backgrounds, experiences, triggers and ways of communicating You're not always going to agree and that's normal But I think it becomes unhealthy when you're having the same conversations over and over again And nothing changes in one or both people are taking accountability like Aqua said For me, it's really about consistency or someone's actions matching their words Do they actually care about how their behavior affects you? Are they willing to grow? I also think it's important to recognize that just because somebody hurts your feelings doesn't automatically make them toxic Sometimes people make mistakes what matters is how they respond when those mistakes are brought to their attention So what Walt was saying as well Like you don't always have to agree with your partner And you may not agree with how they're feeling but they're still feeling that way And they still deserve that love, care and respect To be heard Even if you aren't on the same page Because it's always you know You and your partner against the issue not You and your partner against each other They should feel validated even if they are not If you two are not agreeing to the same thing for sure Welcome to stage Rose, May, Walt Hey, I feel like this I'm glad that you guys kind of touched on the topic of like you know You're not always going to see eye to eye on things Because I feel like me personally I'm like a really brutally honest person I can come across like really aggressive And like It can be like oh like someone could be like oh she's so toxic Like she's just so like You know doesn't care about your feelings But like that's that's how I Navigate that's how I show love to people like Care about is I'm like really brutally honest And I feel like toxicity is a word that's kind of overused That's just my own opinion. I feel like There's a lot of coddling nowadays when it comes to what's toxic and what's not and Feelings are important but not as important as the truth So that's kind of my first like Reflex reaction to this question I completely agree with you on that. I'm also somebody who Yeah has I don't want I mean I have no filter but I don't mean that like you don't have a filter But I agree with you. I don't have a filter Yeah, and um I like that's why I feel like I'm so drawn to you because I and drawn to you know Women in this community because everyone is so bold and stands on business and it's you know This is who I am and how I am but it's With so much loving kindness but I think that Loving somebody and respecting someone is being honest and Saying the hard things and being truthful even if It's not gonna feel good hearing because you're also gonna be on the receiving end of that You know, and that's how we grow You never want to be the person to be continuously like Upsetting your partner when you're not even intending on doing it you could be doing something that you don't even realize that you're doing something and I think that we've all been in a you know Maybe a relationship at a time where we had a pattern where they're like oh, I didn't even realize I was doing that I'm so sorry like I'm glad you told me because I'm going to change that that's always been my reaction I've never been a person who's like I don't do that. I don't what like I definitely experienced that but so I think yeah just being Humble enough to know that you always have work to do on yourself and that we can you know to always receive that information like don't always assume the worst in your partner Inassume that they're just saying it to attack you That's your own insecurities or your own triggers no usually if you're in a healthy relationship Those are usually your own insecurities or your own fears being activated in that moment And to always just take a beat in hero what your partner has to say Because something can be the growth will always happen in those moments And then you'll grow closer to each other and the bond will become stronger What do you have for us while I would say Being a tactful when it comes to timing Those difficult conversations is very essential to how that conversation is going to go I don't think it's fair to someone to it like if they said hey is everything okay And you can tell there's obviously something wrong and you're doing that to give them an opportunity to speak Um very often I I found um My my partner wanting to have like these difficult conversations to which it was going to just turn into a unknowable fight Right before I go to bed and I don't think that's fair to someone if you know that they have to work and you're just trying to stir up stuff at like you know 11 30 at night and they have to go to sleep and wake up at five in the morning That's not fair to them because now they're They're sleepy trying to talk to you And then you're like are you even paying attention to me? Are you falling asleep? Does this not matter to you? And I think in a situation like that I wouldn't say that's a very unfair advantage um to to the person that wants to have the argument um When when the other person's like they legitimately want to talk but they also need to get asleep timing matters I'm sorry No, I absolutely agree with that I think in a healthy connection You know, it's always important to give your partner the opportunity like always giving them the benefit of the doubt giving them space um to You know, remedy you know, I don't know if that is the correct word I'm trying to use but to to be an equal um part but just being equal and Solving the problem, you know, because if there's an issue like I said It's not you versus that person. It's you both of you versus the issue that's between you and Giving each other space so that like you can do it in the healthiest way possible um rose you had your hand up I want to say hi It is Monday um got up on the space So you're talking about it seems like I don't know if you're like addressing a specific issue or anything But I saw toxic in the in the header and like difficult conversations And I can wrap it on that Can you talk about this? Let me talk about this topic Breathe I can Oh, sorry, I don't want to cut you off, but I can read you the question if you want to Yeah, go ahead. Okay, what's the question? So the question is How do we recognize the difference between normal relationship challenges and unhealthy or toxic patterns? Oh That's a good one Well, I feel like okay, so you know what may may touch on it a little bit I feel like if you date up your partner right you yet I know who they are Because some of us and I'm speaking for myself And manals is probably so there's a culture take culture difference right A lot of times something could be perceived is like toxic based on like our moods or we can be spicy Or we're just being loud or whatever it's like some sometimes people take it to person When it's just fun. It's just play. It's just like it's like a mood. Okay, it's like it's built Sometimes it's built in our chemistry sometimes It's not even toxicity is just Loud and obnoxious and rum bonks and it's not it's not that serious not that deep um, however It does not take away to the fact that toxicity if it's Used to hurt someone or manipulate To the point where then it starts then it's it becomes like When it starts becoming not fun anymore, right? That's when you Start noticing like the red flags and it's when it's like when things start Like situations start getting serious people are getting mad you like you and your set of relationship Start arguing about a joke or something or when it starts getting very bad is where it's like you just don't stop thinking about said situation Right, and I'm not thinking about anyone in particular specific But if you lose sleep, you know, if you lose sleep for a relationship that's already like a red flag um If you're always sad if you're always just not happy you're feeling miserable When a relationship just starts becoming like maybe like a cope mechanism Or you feel you know just When you're coping when you're coping together you you feel like When you're together and you feel good while you're together, but it's limited when you only have little moments or or like uh